My First Pill Series (Part 1)

My First Pill Series (Part 1)

There are times in our lives when we must venture down unknown paths, taking risks and embracing new adventures. I consider myself a calculated risk-taker, someone who loves new experiences but also carefully weighs the consequences before diving in. Therefore, my recent diagnosis did not come as a shock to me, as I was well aware of the potential outcomes of my past actions.

When the clinic initially handed me my medication plan, I felt apprehensive and defeated. Suddenly, I was no longer in control of my own life. The entirety of my existence now hinged on this pill, and without it, my time would be cut short. Have you ever felt this helpless, this lack of control over your own life? It's a feeling that haunts me.

The uncertainties associated with this medication keep me awake at night. What if I misplace the pill? What if it becomes unavailable? What if the government or NGOs cease production? The list of possibilities is endless. Typically, I'm not one to openly share my innermost thoughts, but this time, I found myself confiding in my Case Manager about my worries. Their response hit me hard. "Why focus on these unnecessary things? Focus on your well-being first." It was a wake-up call, reminding me to live in the present and address what truly matters now.

With newfound determination, I took the medicine, returned home, and tried to get some rest. However, as I woke up feeling restless, the realization hit me that tonight I would take my first pill. The anxiety built up as the scheduled time approached. In an attempt to anticipate the effects and learn from others' experiences, I turned to the internet. Unfortunately, the negative comments I came across devastated me, almost causing me to believe that taking the pill would be an even worse experience.

The clock struck 9:00 PM, the designated time for taking the pill, and yet, as I held the bottle in my hands and opened it, fear consumed my thoughts. Instead of swallowing the yellow pill, I returned it to the bottle. I chose not to take it.

I convinced myself that I would take it when the time felt right, when I believed my body and soul were prepared. I understand that time is running out, and my decision may be seen as defiance against my Case Manager's instructions. However, this decision is rooted in my strong desire to retain control. I want to tell the pill, "You don't own me. I own this body, and I will decide. As Vivian from Pretty Woman once said, 'I say who, I say when'."

Stay tuned for the next installment of my First Pill series.

- SAM